The night is dark, a shroud to my soul and a cover to my non-existent bravery. I wonder if those bullies are right, did I really decide to change me gender just before being born? I have all sorts of queries as I drag my swollen body down the town’s narrow lanes.
Everyone is asleep. Only the stars witnessed the punches and the kicks. Only the moon worried as I, as a lonely person, was beaten to a pulp. Could I have done something? I ask myself. A part of me angrily pounces back that I could have stood my ground. Defended myself. The other voice inside me is slow to wake up and present its logic on the table.
Had I resisted, it would have only hurt more. It was only sensible to allow them to do what they wanted to do. That way it ended earlier, the crushing of my bones beneath their large feet and the cracking of my wrist under their twisting grip of my arms. I realize that I am a mess but sometimes we don’t have a choice.
That’s all. That’s the few number of sentences that my soul utters as a soothing balm to my cowardice. Even before I drag myself to my house, a string of abusive and self-derogatory remarks run wild in my mind. I am all those things, a girl, a coward, a loser, and more. So I don’t argue with myself.
Every time, I get bullied I promise myself that I wouldn’t let it happen the next time. But when the time comes, I stand as a hopeless, burnt leaf that is ever willing to float at the command of the wind, only to fall as soon as the wind stops to blow. I drop myself like a bag of trash on my bed and stare at the cracked wall with the fading painting with a bruised, purple eye.
The brown bag, I wonder. I attempted to pick but only got kicks in my stomach, as I tried. Adriana’s smile comes to my mind and I think that that I failed to see her tonight only because I couldn’t protect the one thing that I got for her.
A part of me knows that she must be waiting for me by the lake. But a part of me ignores this and tries to forget. There is no way that I would go out to meet her in the middle of the night. The bullies could be out there and I also couldn’t let Adriana see me like this. Even though meeting Adriana sits as a priority in my head, there are other things that weigh it down with their extreme burden.
My mind feels like it would explode, as a tiny tear snakes its way down my swollen cheek. Everything hurts but the feeling the I am a coward numbs it all. I can feel new scars stinging my face but at this point, I am not sure that the bitter pricks are from the physical hurt or they are the scars that arrive with a new torture. Adriana’s flawless skin comes to my mind. No scars, unlike anyone in the town. I give it one last thought, as my swollen eye shuts and darkness ensues.
