The old wood creaks under my weight as I pull myself out of the bed. I take a puff and try to concentrate my thoughts into an aligned mass that makes sense. But they get jumbled up again with no sign of peace or sense. In fact, my thoughts beat with a life of their own, radiating a restless hum that does not quiet down for even a bit.
The loudest of these thoughts is the one that I welcome the least because Allen didn’t like it at all. She promised me to un-think it as soon as it hit. I tried, I tell myself all the time but the guilt doesn’t go away. It chews on my inside along with all the terrible feelings that I am experiencing. Last night was a success. But the triumph is all but drowned with the guilt of even trying out the experiment again.
What Allen did not understand is that my findings are linked with my passion. Even if I crush my passions and suffocate the air from them, I can’t get rid of Allen’s memories. And this experiment is the only thing that can bring me near her, again. So, the stakes have changed. It’s no longer about scientific achievements or patented awards. It’s about getting near my dead wife again.
The smoke from my cigarette curls around my face, slithering, dancing to the mournful tune in this small house. I drag myself to the balcony and watch the full moon. Sometimes, science cannot breathe complete sense into what happens or how things are manipulated. It’s something that Allen used to say. She’d say, sometimes you just have to go with the flow of things. But, only a sensible and smart person like her can do that.
A man like me, a man who wants logic in everything, including her death, cannot just leave things to fate. Or, let them hang around without an explanation. Which is what is making her uncalled death a weight on my chest. Some robbers shot her when they robbed the bank she worked at. That’s all. One bullet and all our dreams came crashing down like the sun just decided to not show up the next day and left the sky completely dark.
Does the sky not question about what happened to the universe? Or, does the moon not glare around, wondering who or what stole its radiance? I am that lonely star in the dark night sky that has lost its axis, and is now plummeting down a black hole that is all shades of dark.
If there’s anything that’s keeping me sane from the sorrow of losing my beloved wife, it is the thought that maybe, just maybe, I can find my axis again, and I continue orbiting around her. This discovery of a watch that can take me back to time, just in another dimension, maybe a laugh for my wife. But, it is the only source of hope in my life. I can’t let her slip because I am way too drunk on her love.